The joke's on us!

The jokes, anecdotes, rhymes, etc., which follow have been taken from a variety of period sources, including our 1743 edition of Joe Miller’s Jests. For the most part, they are very ribald, and if you are easily offended by off-color humor, please go no farther. However, if you’re in a randy or saucy mood, please continue.

1. An innocent country farmer once dined at Doctor Maul's when he was Bishop of Dromore, and a lady in company asked Mr. Ward, which was the farmer's name, "will you hob and nob?" The honest farmer not understanding such a challenge said "O madam you are very good", and so forth, but upon the lady's pressing him to it, he at last replied, "Indeed madam, you are a fine lady, and if I was to do it with any woman but my wife, I would roger you directly on sight." The poor man no doubt imagined that "hob and nob" was the same as "hobber my nob" in an old English ballad.

2. A merry fellow, being in bed with his wife let a rousing Fart: hearing his wife laugh, he said to her, “In truth, wife you have small cause to be so merry, for if this wind holds, we are like to have foul weather.” He falling asleep, she raised her arse to his neck and pissed very plentifully upon him; so that it run down his back to his heels. He awaking says, “What ‘a pox’ wife are you doing?” “No harm, husband, what I did was to prevent that terrible storm you said might come; for they say a little rain will allay a great wind.”

3. Mr. H--rr--n, one of the Commissioners of the Revenue in Ireland, being one night in the pit at the Play-House in Dublin, Monica Gall, the Orange Girl, famous for her wit and assurance, striding over his back, he popp’d his hand under her petticoats, "Nay, Mr. Commissioner," said she; "you’ll find no goods there but what have been fairly entered."

4. A gentleman told Betty Careless, upon shewing her legs, that they were very handsome, and so much alike that they must needs be twins; "But indeed," said she, "you are mistaken, for I have had more than one or two between them."

5. A lady seeing the Sheriff of a county, who was a very handsome young gentleman, attending the judge who was an old man; a gentleman, standing by, ask’d her which she liked best, the judge or the Sheriff? The lady told him, "The Sheriff." "Why so?," said the gentleman. "Because," answered she, "tho’ I love Judgment well, I like Execution better."

6. A certain Lady, to excuse herself for a frailty she had lately fallen into, said to an imtimate friend of her’s, “Lord! how is it possible for a woman to keep her cabinet unpickt, when every fellow has got a key to it.”

7. A modest gentlewoman being compelled by her mother to accuse her husband of insufficiency, and being in the court, she humbly desired of the judge that she might write her mind, and not be obliged to speak it, for modesty’s sake: The judge gave her the liberty, and a clerk was immediately ordered to give her pen, ink, and paper; whereupon she took the pen without dipping it into the ink, and made as if she would write. Says the clerk to her, "Madam, there is no ink in your pen." "Truly, Sir," says she, "that’s just my case, and therefore I need not explain myself any farther."

8. A gentleman happening to turn up against a house to make water, did not see two young ladies looking out of a window close by him, ‘till he heard them giggling; then looking towards them, he asked, what made them so merry? "O! Lord, Sir," said one of them, "a very little Thing will make us laugh."

9. Lady C------g and her two daughters having taken lodgings at a leather-breeches maker’s in Piccadilly, (the sign of the Cock and Leather-Breeches) was always put to the blush when she was obliged to give anybody direction to her lodgings, the sign being so odd a one; upon which my Lady, a very good sort of woman, sending for her landlord, a jolly young fellow, told him, she liked him and his lodgings very well, but she must be obliged to quit them on account of his sign, for she was ashamed to tell anybody where it was. “O! dear madam,” said the young fellow, “I would do anything rather than lose so good lodgers, I can easily alter my sign.” “So I think,” answered my Lady, “and I’ll tell you how you may satisfy both me and my daughters: only take down your breeches and let your cock stand.”

10. A gentleman being at a gossiping, he kissed all the ladies but one, at which the company took notice of it, and almost put her out of countenance. The gentleman said he would have kissed her but her nose was so long. “You may,” says she, “Kiss my arse, where there is no nose to offend you.”

(poetic rendition of the above)
Once on a time I fair Dorinda Kiss’d,
Whose nose was too distinguished to be miss’d,
My dear (says I) I fain would kiss you closer,
But though your lips says “aye,” your nose says “no, sir.”
The nymph was equally to fun inclin’d,
And placed her lovely lilly hand behind.
“Here, swain,” (says she) “may you securely kiss,
Where there’s no nose to interrupt your bliss.”

11. A certain Lieutenant of a man of War, under the Command of my Lord Torrington, having, in the Engagement with Spaniards in the Mediterranean, one of his Arms shot off within a few Inches of his Shoulder, while the Surgeon was dressing it could not forbear laughing; one standing by, ask'd him the Reason. Why, said he, I cannot help thinking of a Wish I have often made, that a certain Part about me was as long as my Arm, and now I believe it is three or four Inches longer.

12. A Gentleman in the Country who had three Daughters, discoursing one Evening on rural Affairs, and the nature of Vegetation, asked one of his Daughters what Plant or Herb she thought grew the fastest? The young lady reply'd Asparagus; Then he ask'd the Second, she answered, A Pompion, or Gourd; And when the same Question was put to the Youngest, she reply'd The Pommel of a Saddle; which very much surprizing the old Gentleman, he desired to know what she meant, and how she could make it out: Why, said she, when I was riding one Day behind our John, and the Ways being so rough that I was afraid I should fall off, he cry'd, Miss, put your Hand about my Waist, and lay hold of the Pommel of the Saddle; and I am sure, Pappa, when I first took hold of it, it was not much bigger than my Finger, and in less than a Minute it was thicker than my Wrist.